Future Anthropologist

I caught myself playing “future anthropologist” this week. Does anybody else do that? It’s weird, I know. Here’s how it happens—every once in awhile, as I’m going through life, I’m struck by the absurdity of some of the things we do and how we live, and I wonder how it will look to future generations who will be learning about us through textbooks and archeological digs. Cue the future anthropologist voiceover, which is always British for some reason and usually a female voice. Keep in mind, I watch a LOT of documentaries on archeological digs and tomb excavating, so this is probably why my brain kicks in on this.

This week, it was my ear piercing in my right ear. It’s bugging me for some reason, just very dry skin and tender, and it hurt to put my earring in. So, as I struggled to jab the sharp metal point through my flesh, future anthropologist woman showed up.

“Now, this is interesting,” she says, gesturing to a mummified body (yes, I know we don’t mummify but we would if I had my way) on a table. “As you can see here, even as late as the 21st century, people were still voluntarily piercing their flesh with sharp bits of metal. This ritual, performed mostly on younger girls, symbolized of rite of passage into adulthood and ultimately femininity. It also indicated wealth and social stature—the more valuable the bits of metal and stone used in the decorative piercings, the more money and social class a female was perceived to have.

Then the future anthropologist, dressed in her cute little khaki shorts and blouse, walks over to a wall of faded and curling photos glued to a wall. “Of course, the meaning of the piercing changes with time and the social group that adapts this tradition. In the latter portion of the twentieth century, even males were found to have pierced one ear as a sign of rebellion.” She points to an old People magazine cover showing Harrison Ford with his pierced ear.

“And, of course, piercing multiple times and in unusual locations, such as the eyebrow, the tongue, the breast, the belly button and the genitalia, was considered outside the norm. Both males and females did this to show their disdain for society. Some of them may also have done this to entice a more sexually adventurous mate.” She gestures to a photo of two college girls at a party, beers in hand, sticking their pierced tongues out at the camera. “As you can see in this example, the practice of wearing dead animal skin as a protective layer of clothing was still acceptable.” One of the girls in the photo is wearing a leather jacket.

Then the future anthropologist turns to the camera and smiles. “Next week, tune in for our exploration of ancient machines.” She rests her hand on an old and broken-down looking treadmill. “Twenty-first century humans feared the outdoor elements so much—the weather, the dirt, the possible animal feces—that they created a machine to allow them to run inside…while standing in one place! Truly remarkable.”

“Until then, I’m Xzerthes McmonaXi, your holographic host for The Universal Geographic Channel.”

Yes. I’m weird.