Trying not to panic...

So, I'm feeling rather blah lately. I think it's because I've been pushing so hard to get this book done and while I'm sooooo close, that actually makes me feel worse. It feels like I should be able to just push through, tuck my head down and sail through it. But no. I'm in the last 91 pages of editing or so, and here's where it all falls apart. Well, not really, but it's where most of the revising/rewriting is needed. Mainly this is because when I was writing it, I was so close to the end of the story and on such a roll, I didn't want to stop to reason some things out. The last 100 pages or so are right in terms of the events that happen, but sometimes I didn't take the time to explain why certain characters are where they are or why they're doing what they're doing. I knew and that was enough for me at the moment. *sigh* Now that is no longer the case.

It's like running a marathon that never ends. You keep passing milemarkers, but the finish line is still hanging out there like a mirage in the distance. I know this isn't true, but I'm having a glum day.

I'm also still working on the outline for the mystery project and while I've been making good progress, I think that's part of my problem. It's hard for me to be in the same stage with two different books at the same time. Granted, with the mystery project, I'm still trying to get the major events in the book in order and making sense, and I'm much farther along than that with the sequel. But they're both still in the revising/editing/rewriting stage--which is the stage that is the hardest for me because in the process of trying to make your work better, you're also picking it apart, finding all the weak spots and the things you don't like. Every book has some problems that need to be fixed--that's okay--but when I'm in this stage of analyzing and testing everything to make sure it holds water, so to speak, it feels like the whole book is nothing but weak spots and things that need to be fixed. In order to find and fix the bad, you sort of stop seeing any of the good bits. And with two of them in this stage...ugh!

It's most fun to start a new project while I'm in the editing/revising/rewriting stage of another project because the high of the new writing balances out the low of revising. But that's how I got myself into this mess. And I promised myself I would not continue this mess. I've got four (4!)manuscripts* at home in various stages of completion, thanks to my previous habits. I don't need more in that pile. Those are all just revisons/edits waiting to happen.

Also, I just checked my goals that I wrote for 2005 and found that with just over a month to go, I haven't completed any of them!!! I was supposed to get the sequel finished and to RuneStone by the end of 2005. Well, that one, depending on how these final chapters go, I might be able to still make. The others,which included revising Bitter Pill and sending out query letters to find an agent, I haven't even come close to. I did, however, write a nearly 400 page long book (the mystery project) that wasn't even on the radar at that time in January. So, maybe I can cut myself a little slack there. I also wrote a 300 page Bitter Pill prequel that was supposed to be only a short story (yeah, that's why I don't write them) that I hate so much I haven't even looked at since I finished it--and yes, I finished the draft, I'm compulsive that way. My thinking was originally just to provide some new content, then as the story grew longer I thought maybe it would be good enough to actually be the first in the series instead of Bitter Pill. But it's not. It's kind of forced and yucky because I knew who the murderer was from page one and that always spoils it for me.

So maybe the problem isn't the goals being too optimistic but rather my own ability to stick to them instead of getting distracted. Hmm.

And finally, last night at Big Bowl, I got an empty fortune cookie!!! And I'd actually looked at it before opening and thought, "I hope it says something good." Ha! And please don't send me emails about how people who get empty fortune cookies have bad things happen to them because I just don't think I can take that right at the moment : ) I'm trying very hard to remember that I'm faithful and not superstitious--though, I'm probably getting what I deserve for looking for kernels of wisdom and/or support from a slip of paper tucked in food.

Blah. *sigh*

*The four manuscripts are the as-yet-untitled Sequel, Bitter Pill (A Rennie Harlow Mystery), Sleep Tight (A Rennie Harlow Mystery), and the mystery project. Oh, and if you include the Rennie Harlow prequel that sucks, that would be five, I guess. Shoot.