Waaaay too sensitive

I'm having a thin-skin day. I hate these. I've had them since high school at least, and probably for as long as I can remember. It has nothing to do with my actual skin, but my very overactive brain.

Thin-skin days are the days where NOTHING goes right, and while these little wrong-going things normally are brushed aside, on a thin-skin day, each of them is a huge, glaring billboard of suckitude. If that makes sense.

On a thin-skin day:

The world hates me. Everything everyone else does feels like some kind of slight--a stupid reckless driver decided I was taking too long to turn left, so he veered around me to make a left before I could. And I feel guilty, bad and stupid that he felt compelled to get around me, the slow cautious driver!

Everything I say is stupid--was caught off-guard today and blabbedy blabbed on forever in answer to an incredibly off-hand and simple question. I feel awkward and giant-sized in a world of tiny, put-together, sophisticated people.

I repeatedly do remarkably stupid things--let's see, just today I...slept fifteen minutes longer than I should have, agonized over perfecting writing instead of just writing it (write a sh*tty first draft--that's supposed to be my mantra!), skipped my Wed morning Starbucks (which always makes me feel good and organized that I can stop to get a hot chocolate and still make it on time to work), got frustrated over small things that I have no control of and ended up not being a big deal anyway, stopped to pick up the mail and forgot to put the car in park (I figured it out before it rolled too far), and drove over the concrete parking header-thing at the gym.

And yes, I know all of this is completely ridiculous and self-centered, but bad days usually are, right? : )

So, as a counter measure:

Good things that happened today--I went to the gym (yea!), I finished the latest Suzanne Brockman book from the library before the due date (which means I saved the money from buying it) and best of all, I'm shutting down the computer and going to bed now, which means this day is over!

Love is Murder

I attended Love Is Murder this weekend, a mystery and romantic suspense writers and readers conference in Chicago.

Some of the highlights included a seminar presented by a graphoanalyst (one who analyzes handwriting), a demonstration and explanation of a polygraph machine and how a polygraph examiner does her job, and meeting my new publisher!

It was so cool, you guys! Echelon Press sponsored the lunch on Saturday, which was for like 200 people, and my publisher, Karen, got up and introduced the EP authors who were there, including me. So exciting!

I also got to meet Nancy Pickard, a mystery author whose books I've loved for years. I started reading her Jenny Cain series back in high school or even before. She was a marvelous speaker and very laid-back. Charlaine Harris was also there and she's always a hoot!

I also got to see Nancy and Luisa Buehler (another awesome mystery author who is with Echelon) and a bunch of other authors doing the Super Bowl Shuffle, of all things, after dinner on Saturday. This was, of course, before the Bears didn't quite make it on Sunday.

As always, the best part of going to these conferences is just getting to hang out with other writers. I always learn something new, and it just feels good to talk with other people who go through all the ups and downs of writing too.

Finally, the car I've been waiting for...

You know how in all those memes and email forwards they always ask you what kind of car you would buy if money were no object? I never have an answer because I don't care about engines or gears or cylinders or whatever.

But now, finally, someone has created the one I've been looking for!

Also, for the Firefly fans out there, the flying vehicle that they take to the payroll job in Serenity, isn't that called the Mule? What an interesting bit of symmetry (if you read the article, you'll see what I mean). Unless the creator is a Firefly fan, which is possible, I guess.

Interview Questions for Twench

Interview Meme Rules are as follows: You comment on this entry requesting an interview. I respond with five questions. The questions will theoretically be tailored to you based on what I know of you (or want to know). You copy and paste those questions into your own journal, and write the answers, along with these rules. Anyone wanting an interview from you continues the game by requesting an interview from you.

1) Do you remember how/when we first met, like the specific moment? If so, do tell.


2) What year in your life would you live over again and why?


3) If you were a woman, which Ghostbuster (Egon, Ray, Peter or Winston) would you be most attracted to and why?


4) What do you miss most about your life pre-kid(s)?


5) What's the best dream you've ever had? (I mean an actual dream versus a dream like an aspriational goal--this would be like the time in high school when I had a tantalizingly short dream in which I was kissing Dylan from 90210...and then my alarm went off.)

Bonus Question! Why are the archives not working on my blog? Do you know? : )

Anyone else want an interview? Let me know! I'm happy to oblige--I love finding out new things about people. : ) Plus, I'm really, really nosy.

Haven't disappeared off the face of the earth, but I'm trying to finish up the last minor edits on Zara II, titled Eye of the Beholder. : ) I'm down to reviewing each "that" to see if it can be taken out. That kind of detailed and mind-numbing work. Should be done by tomorrow! Then I'll have a chance to write a full update.

Interview Questions from Twench (Ed)

Interview Meme Rules are as follows: You comment on this entry requesting an interview. I respond with five questions. The questions will theoretically be tailored to you based on what I know of you (or want to know). You copy and paste those questions into your own journal, and write the answers, along with these rules. Anyone wanting an interview from you continues the game by requesting an interview from you.

1. You awake to find yourself in a science fiction novel/movie/tv show. What does the universe look like (popular TV show or a made up one) and who are you (yourself, some known character, some random red shirt schmuck)?

Dude, good question! If it didn't make me a complete ego-maniac, I'd love to *visit* the world in The Silver Spoon. See them all and talk to them. Have a conversation that could be actually be heard somewhere else besides inside my head. And while it's temping to wish myself into a position to get my hands on Caelan, he and Zara belong together (in this humble author's opinion, but they may not agree) and besides, he would know the difference. Zara has a lot of tough stuff to deal and when confronted with it, she would not curl up in the fetal position and cry...like I would.

So instead, I'd wish to be a recently awakened drone* with super powers (telekinesis or mind manipulation...I can't decide!) and waaaay less responsibility. Also, I'd be super hot. : )

*This refers to events in book two, which Ed has read, and I hope the rest of you will be able to read soon!

However, I must confess that for many of my teen years, I harbored a deep fantasy of being an ensign on the Enterprise. Some of the first stories I wrote were to this effect, fan-fiction before I even knew what it was. And before you ask, it was Kirk's Enterprise. That was the only place where a lowly, young ensign might catch a captain's attention...unless I managed to save the ship from nanites or something on Picard's Enterprise.

2. When the Silver Spoon is made into a movie, who would you want to play the main characters?

Thank you for saying "when" and not "if." *grin* I'd like Zara to be played by an actual redhead rather than an actress with dyed hair. So, if they were casting right now, I'd want them to talk to Bryce Dallas Howard, looks-wise. But only if she has the spunk and attitude to pull it off.

As for Caelan, well, that's something I've vowed to keep quiet about. But it's not that hard to figure out if you know me and what actors I like. : )



3. What songs on your iPOD do you wish you had never loaded?
Ha, there are lots of them that I've heard so many times, I'm sick of them. But the first song that popped into my head with this question is "I Want Your Sex, Pt.2" by George Michael. I didn't even know there was a Pt. 2. This is not the song I'm familiar with and wanted for my 80s collection. I hate Pt. 2.

4. First to have a child: You or Susan?
Hmm. Tough call. Susan is thirteen years younger than me. She's got four years of college, probably a couple of years of dating after that and then marriage...

I'm thirty-one now so...

Michael. : )

5. Are you a god?
Uh, no...Wait, wait, I mean yes!

"If found, please return to Earth."

I love this. I want them for myself. I also think they'd be an awesome promotional giveaway item. Not that I could afford to give away very many of them! : )

Okay, all you clever people out there...

I'm toying with a new (free trial offer) of a website. (Ed, I checked it out and it does not seem hard to cancel, so I decided to give it a whirl...we'll see what happens!)

On the home page, beneath my name, it has a place for a tagline. This would be the spot where Linnea's website says something like "internet home of RITA-winning sci-fi romance author Linnea Sinclair." Obviously, I do not have such a claim to fame--don't I wish, though!--nor do I have the ability to limit it sci-fi romance as the first in my mystery series is coming out next year--yea!!!

So, I've been trying to think of SOMETHING to say there. My stories do have common themes, regardless of genre or subgenre. They feature strong heroines in varying degrees of kickass *grin*, forbidden love (one way or another), and the idea that you have to accept yourself for who you are before you can really find happiness.

But then again, maybe I don't need anything as a tagline. Maybe that would just confuse the issue.

What do you guys think?

They're heeeeeeere!

Greg found this article from the Chicago Tribune for me last week...it's so cool!

UFO Spotted Over O'Hare Airport

Here's the follow-up article, though you may need to register to read this one.

There were lots of questions (and jokes) about why the UFO didn't land, what with the convenient landing strips and all nearby. However, I prefer to think that the aliens were just observing. Ha! And if you don't get that, please let me know. I have a book you should read. *silly grin*

A case of the Mondays

Saw an accident this morning. Despite the length of my commute, this is the only one I actually saw happening. Worse yet, I could see it coming and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was waiting to get into the left hand turn lane on Rt. 60/83. Unfortunately, the turn lane was full, so the regular lane was now filling up with those of us waiting to turn. On the opposite side of the street, a small line of cars had developed, people trying to turn left into the Mundelein municipal building parking lot to my right. Rt. 60/83 has two lanes on both sides at this point. So while the inside lane of my side of the road was stopped, waiting for all of us lefties to get out of the way, the right lane on my side was moving just fine.

The driver of the mini-van in front of me was trying to be kind and allowed a space between herself and the car in front of her for those who were waiting to turn into the municipal building parking lot. I saw this and groaned. "Accident waiting to happen," I even muttered, never actually believing it would really happen because I'd seen this hundreds of times, always close calls. Like shave the paint off your passenger side door close, but no real contact.

Also, this particular thing is one of my pet peeves. It's dangerous. According to Illinois law, you are required to not block intersections and driveways as marked, otherwise no worries. People who, in trying to help, leave you the gap to pull across their lane and then the one next to theirs cause accidents because you, as the turning driver, can't see around their vehicle to see if anyone else is coming. I've even heard the police warning against doing this. You think you're trying to be nice, but then something like this morning happens.

The guy turning left into the parking lot edged out little by little, but he couldn't see around the mini-van. Finally, after inching forward several times, he decided to go for it...just as a bright yellow H2 came barreling down the open lane, after all there was no back-up in his lane, no reason to slow down.

No screeching brakes, no time. H2 mashed into the side of the sedan, spinning it sideways. Glass popped, that was the loudest and clearest thing I can hear, and it shot out from the sedan in this bright glittering arc. Sedan finally came to a stop when the back end collided with a sign for the municipal building. And holy sh*t, somebody's Monday just went to hell in a handbasket.

Guy in the H2 was okay, got out immediately, looking severely pissed. Guy in the sedan looked okay inside the car--probably because he was hit on the passenger side, thank God.

Whew. It was pretty awful, worse for them than for me, obviously. But how rare is it to be in a situation like that where you can see the bad thing coming so clearly, whole seconds before the two people who will be most affected are even aware that this day is anything but ordinary?

Do you think that's a small taste of what it would be like to be God, seeing the yellow H2 heading straight for sedan-guy, but unable to interfere--other than that tingling little warning that should have been sounding in sedan-guy's brain--thanks to free will? *shudder* Not a job I'd like, thanks.

An ode to jeans...

I've succumbed to blatant commercialism. Yesterday, I bought a pair of jeans for $100. But it (they) feels so good! Ha. : )

You have to understand that for a period of time in my early teens all I cared about, clothing-wise, was the brand name on the tag. Guess, Coca-cola (remember those shirts?), Espirit, B.U.M. Equipment, etc. Then I grew up a little into my later teens and into the grunge era, where nobody cared about the brand, just about how much flannel one human being could possibly wear at any given time.

Once I was out of college, my casual wear drifted toward the inexpensive Old Navy-type stuff, where fit might not have been great but the style was cute and you couldn't beat the price. Only in recent years have I become more concerned about what I look like in those clothes. The old metabolism isn't quite what it used to be, and wearing big sloppy stuff no longer looks cute and carefree, but sort of blah and making me looking bigger than I actually am, something I don't need help with. Jeans that are in fashion no longer fit my shape correctly and the person who brought about the invention of low-rise should either be blessed or condemned to one of the lower circles of hell.

Everyone looked pretty much the same in those high-waisted jeans. It's impossible not to have some kind of pooch in front when it's behind this wall of unforgiving denim. But with low-rise, suddenly those with flat bellies were showing them off and the rest of us...well, me, at least, I was hiding behind "mid-rise" jeans that weren't altogether fashionable or flattering.

Then I saw this show (Oprah had the "What Not to Wear" girls on one night) about how little things like the length of the zipper, the size and placement of the pockets on the back, the cut of the legs, all go toward making you look good or bad in jeans. If you don't look good in your jeans, it may not be because you're hideously malformed. It may simply be that you have the wrong cut of jeans.

So, I promptly went out and found a pair of jeans that I loved from Ann Taylor Loft. Low rise (over which I wear a longer shirt so the front pooch does not show), small pockets that were low on the butt, and legs that were tight through the thigh but loose around the calves and ankles. (I do not look good in the "skinny" jeans, plus whenever I try them on, I get horrible post-traumatic flashbacks to highschool and the early nineties when we used to roll up the bottoms of our skinny jeans to make them even tighter at the ankle...ugh!) And this beautiful find was only $28 on the sales rack! Woohoo! I should have bought multiple pairs...but I didn't.

Now, a year later, the ATL jeans are still holding up well, but they're my only pair. For Christmas, from my husband, I get a cool new pair of jeans but they're the "new" looking kind. Very dark denim. This is fine for when you're dressing up a little but these are not casual jeans.

Yesterday, with my sister in town, we headed to Michigan Avenue for a shopping trip. I HATE shopping. But I discovered a Lucky Brand jeans store in one of the malls. Lucky is a brand name you've probably heard tossed around, like True Religion and Seven. I cannot afford True Religion and Seven, which often go at $200 or so for ONE pair of jeans. But these were less expensive and they are AWESOME.

Already faded and soft (how do they do that?), they are perfect right off the shelf. Short zipper, low rise in the front but higher in the back (so as to avoid the oh-so-attractive "butt crack" look), tight yet stretchy through the thigh and loose around the calves and ankles. And little pockets placed low on the back side, so it looks like I might actually have a butt rather than legs connected straight to my rib cage.

And yes, they were ridiculously expensive, so much so that I'm almost afraid to wear them. But I have decided that at the ripe old age of 31, there are some things worth splurging on. A good hair cut and good jeans are definitely two of them!

Check this out...

Woo hoo, I'm already listed in the Echelon Press author directory (just click on the link and scroll down until you see the "Author Directory" link in the left-hand nav bar)....how cool is that?!?

Thanks to Becky D. for pointing that out! : )

My brain is a hamster on a wheel…on crack. The hamster, I mean, not the wheel.

I wrote this entry the other night, but my computer ate it. So, take two…(take two what, Stacey? Ha! *snort* I crack myself up. I’m clearly very tired here and operating on about half a brain…)

Now that I’ve found a home for BITTER PILL—yea!—I’m being a good author and looking ahead to the next Rennie story. One of my big mistakes with THE SILVER SPOON was waiting until it was released to worry about finishing the second book. And now with RuneStone closing, I’m kind of stuck because I’ve got to find a new publisher for THE SILVER SPOON before I can get the sequel out there. That means readers will have waited more than two years between each book. Auuughhh! Not good. Not going to happen again. I’m soooo learning from that mistake.

So, for Rennie, I have a draft of the next one, but it’s very rough. I’m worried that it might share too much in common thematically with BP. But it’s not pulled together enough for me to give the whole thing over to my trusted and patient first readers to see what they think. And my dilemma is that I don’t want to spend time fixing this one if it’s too similar because that’s time I should be spending writing a new one instead. So, I’ve asked a couple of my first readers to read the first two chapters and see what they think. And so far, so good. My thanks to Becky D., Stacy G., and Susan for their help.

All of this has started me thinking about my writing plans for 2007. I’m still hoping to get THE SILVER SPOON re-released in 2007, followed shortly by the new sequel to that book. And because I hate how big the gap is between first and second book in that series, I need to start writing the third (and final?) book, in hopes of getting it out there in 2008.

So that means for writing projects in 2007, I’ll be:

-finishing edits on the second Zara book (I’m working on those now, and I’m nearly done. Hope to be finished by the middle of January at the latest—yea!).

-editing/revising the second Rennie book.

-writing the third Zara book.

-working on something new!

I’m tired just thinking about all of it, but I love it. : ) I can’t wait to see what 2007 brings!

Is there any sweeter phrase than...BOOK CONTRACT?

I don't think so. : )

Bitter Pill, the first book in the Rennie Harlow series, is going to be published by Echelon Press in 2008! I got the news last weekend, but bronchitis (again, second time in 2006) got the better of me this week. (I haven't been to work since Monday).

I'm so excited! Echelon is exactly where I wanted Bitter Pill to go, and I can't believe it worked out. : ) Another friend and Chicago mystery author, Luisa Buehler, is published with them and was instrumental in helping me make contact. Isabo Kelly also has a holiday short story with them--definitely a good time of year to check that out! And I've heard such great things about Echelon. Make sure you check out their site, particularly the publisher's blog. This sounds kind of hokey, but I just get such a good vibe from them.

Bitter Pill is a book that's close to my heart for a lot of reasons. The first draft of it was probably the easiest of all the books I've written. It just seemed to pour out. During the day, I was working on edits for The Silver Spoon, and I just needed something to help counterbalance the frustration of revisions--I hate revising, though I must admit that it is a very necessary evil. (And I've realized, note to self, that this is how I work best: revising one project and writing something new.)

So I started working on my AlphaSmart at night. I'd get into bed, turn on HGTV in the background, wait til my husband fell asleep and then begin typing away. At one point, I was holding up a booklight with my knees so I could see the AlphaSmart's screen when it was in my lap.

The second draft was more difficult, and it took me a couple of years and many, many conversations with Becky D. and Stacy G. to get it right. Thanks, guys! And thank you to my sister, Susan, who along with Becky D. and Stacy G., told me they like this one even better than The Silver Spoon and encouraged me to keep going with my revisions I hope all of you who enjoyed reading about Zara and Caelan will give this one a try, too.

It's also an important book to me because of the greyhound connection. Rennie, the main character, has adoped a former racing dog, and as most of you know, that's a cause close to my heart. I'm looking forward to spreading the word about what loving, intelligent and sweet animals these are through Rennie's dog, Fritzy.

So, over the next year, look for updates, cover art, excerpts and all that good stuff! : )

"What's a dickfer?"

*Snort* Am watching Spies Like Us on HBO and had forgotten some of the funny lines. Watching the edited for television version too many times, I guess.

I'm trying to do better about updating the blog more often. I had an easier week at work last week (under 40 hours for the first time...ever!), which helped.

--Bought new music today. For anyone who was wondering about the cool song in the background in the Ultraviolet movie trailer, it's "24" by Jem. I also bought "In Your Eyes" by Rogue Wave, and "It Ends Tonight" by The All-American Rejects.

--I've been debating about first person versus third person. It seems that most authors are either one or the other. Sometimes they change, but it's rare for them to alternate (or so it seems...got examples of authors who've done this? Please let me know!!! I'm trying to figure out how other people do this). The Silver Spoon, its sequel, Bitter Pill and its sequel are all in first person, and that worked out pretty well. First person is what I prefer to read, if given my druthers. Doesn't mean that I won't read something in third person, but that first person voice will catch my attention much faster. But now, I've had several ideas where the story would require more than one voice. And in fact, one of the voices might be male. I've never written from the male perspective...at all. EVER! And the idea of writing in first person from a male perspective quite frankly blows my mind. If I understood how men thought...well, my life in college probably would have been a lot easier.

Is it strange to have two first person narratives? I don't know. What about combining a first and third person narrative? (female in first person and male in third)? I could always go with the traditional third person for both, but I have a harder time writing that way. Either way, I don't know if I can write a believable male internal dialogue (see above about knowing how men think). Would be interesting to try. Hmmm....just something to think about.

This week, I bought MaryJanice Davidson's new book, Sleeping with the Fishes and in the acknowledgements (I always read those for good inside info!), she talks about rewriting the book into third person after realizing that if she left in first person, "Fred" the main character, would have sounded like "Betsy with fins." Betsy is the heroine in her vampire series, which is written in first person. So, apparently, I am not the only one who struggles with this issue. : )

P.S. For those reading on LiveJournal, I suspect my transfer to the new Blogger might cause my old entries to pop up again. Sorry about that!

I feel like a little kid again, hoping for a snow day. : ) I have to work tomorrow, no matter what, but it would be a treat not to have to fight through all the snow and the traffic to get there. Brought my computer home just in case.

Stuff going on:
-Greg and I went to the gym on Tuesday, and my right arm is so sore that I can't let it relax by my side because whatever muscle that is HURTS.

-Still working on revising the draft of book II and backed myself into a logic problem. Seems like an obvious thing that I should have caught when I was writing, but it's okay. I'll find a way around it--especially because I've called in the calvary (thanks to Becky and Stacy G. for agreeing to let me ramble both aloud and in email!) for help. : ) The good news is that I think it will rather significantly change the first few chapters, which dragged a bit anyway, in my opinion.

-Here's something weird...a couple of entries ago, I mentioned a good YA book that I'd read called Glass Houses. I called my sister to tell her I'd found a good book, as we sometimes like the same books. But she insists that I never told her the title, and I don't remember one way or another. Anyway, my brother was visiting home last weekend and Susan called to tell me that she sent a book home with him for me. She starts to describe it, telling me how great it was. And, of course, it turns out to be the same book. She found it, too, the exact same way I found it. By checking to see if Holly Black had anything new out yet. And it's a short jump from Holly Black to Rachel Caine, the author of Glass Houses. Weird minds think alike, I guess. : )

Okay, I'm too tired to be doing this. All my sentences sound stunted and stupid...time to stop!

Good night. : ) If you have to drive tomorrow (as I may), take your time and be careful.

Thanks

Okay, so I'm a little late with the Thanksgiving post, but here it is nonetheless.

According to my new dermatologist (my former dermatologist left her practice to start a new one, and I'll be following her as soon as her new office is open), the cream stuff worked on my nose. The weird pre-cancerous spot on my nose is gone, she says. Yea!!! Actually, I found out that the cream they gave me to put on my nose is considered topical chemotherapy. I'm really glad I did not know that at the time.

So, I'm extremely grateful that it was caught in time and that the treatment seems to have worked. I will still have to be careful and monitor my skin for ever, but I was doing that already.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Hope you find that you have much to be thankful for this year.

: )

Twice in one week!

I'd forgotten how therapeutic writing my blog entries could be. ; ) Need to do this more often! Actually this week at work has so far been a little easier--thanks to the vast majority of people already being out of the office. Which means I'm not quite as exhausted when I get home at night and have some brain power left for this.

Random stuff:
-Really, really hated this week's Battlestar Galactica. The concept was interesting--that the colonies could have been in some way responsible for triggering the Cylon attack. But the major guest star, playing a POW, was Dixon from Alias. The actor's name, I think, is Carl Lumbly? He's a fine actor, but I can't look at him without seeing Dixon, and it was extremely distracting. I kept expecting him to break into that bad, fake Jamican accent--stupid, stupid bank managers always falling for that. : ) It just kept reminding me that it was a story, you know. I couldn't lose myself in that universe this time. *sigh*

-High heels are stupid. And they're pretty much an easy way to guarantee that women are helpless at any given time when wearing them. When walking in the parking lot tonight in a new pair of heels, I found myself a little uncomfortable with the dark corners of the lot, all shadows potentially hiding someone or something. And here's me, just like the ditzy heroine in a horror movie, wearing completely impractical and uncomfortable heels, virtually guaranteeing that I'll be monster lunch.

-I'm working on revising the sequel to The Silver Spoon, and I'm stuck on an issue in chapter two. AAARRRGGGHH! The beginning is always the hardest because that's where I flounder the most. But still, it's irritating to hit such a spot so close to beginning my edit. Oh, well, I'll keep working at it. It makes sense plot-wise and everything, but the tension needs to be ramped up in order to cut out some pages. Dragging stuff out kills the tension and the momentum and in reading it through again, I realized that it takes too long to get to the real action (in other words, for those who've read it, to get to the cellar at the abandoned school in the ghost town--I'm such a tease!)

Hey, it's me again...

Thanks to everyone who commented, either here or on the livejournal version of my blog, about my writing dilemma. It really helped. I've not abandoned that project but definitely set it aside for the time being. I have plenty to do with the sequel to The Silver Spoon in terms of giving it a final edit and getting it ready for publication--soon, I hope.

I think part of my problem is I've been down a little lately. It's been hard knowing that The Silver Spoon is out of print (or will be shortly), and I'm getting ready to head into the new year without a new book available or even the first one in print again. I worked so hard to get to that point, and it feels like I'm just sliding slowly backward. I know that's not the case, but it's frustrating because I just want to make SOME progress somewhere, you know? It feels hard to justify the time and angst I put into this without some result. And I know that's dumb because the work itself is the result. So maybe it's not the results but the feeling of going backward. I don't want to write just to get something published--I want to write because I love the story and somehow I feel like I'm losing that. Or maybe it's just that the way I measure success has changed. Now instead of just writing a story that I love, I want it to be a story I love that is also publishable. I mean, I'm still writing the story I love, but that is no longer the single qualification for it. Is that wrong? I don't know.

Uck, my head is such a mess right now. : ) Some of it, I think, is because I have so little time these days. So I feel all this pressure that I have to accomplish something significant everyday because otherwise I'm not going to make any progress anytime soon. That's a stupid idea, obviously, because it's just a little bit everyday that makes a difference. See what I mean, messy head here, all the time!

Anyway, done with the whining.

Fun Stuff:
-Read a great YA novel called Glass Houses by Rachel Caine. I have a couple of YA ideas, and this is a great example of what I hope to do.

-Love that Carrie Underwood song, "Before He Cheats." I'm so not a country fan, at all. (Even though this one is listed as pop, it is definitely country, in my opinion). But the lyrics are awesome, and it's great example of how specificity really adds to the quality of the writing. With writing stories, we're always told to be more specific because it helps paint a better word picture. It's the difference between "an old car" and "a 1982 powder blue Chevy impala with rust patches on the passenger side door and a sticky patch on the dashboard where a Virgin Mary statue once reigned supreme."

Here, to the best of my ability to figure them out, are the lyrics to "Before He Cheats":

Verse One:
Right now, he's probably slow dancing with a bleached blond tramp and she's probably getting frisky. Right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey. Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool stick, showing her how to shoot a combo...and he don't know...

Chorus:
I dug my key into the side of his pretty, little souped-up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats. I took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Verse Two:
Right now, she's probably up singing some white-trash version of Shania karaoke. Right now, she's probably saying, "I'm drunk," and he's a-thinking that he's gonna get lucky. Right now, he's probably dabbing on three-dollars worth of that bathroom Polo. Oh, and he don't know that...

Chorus:
I dug my key into the side of his pretty, little souped-up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats. I took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

I might have saved a little trouble for the next girl...cause the next time that he cheats, oh, you know it won't be on me...no, not on me. Cause...

Chorus:
I dug my key into the side of his pretty, little souped-up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats. I took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires. Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats. Oh, maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Love it!!! And to think I might have missed it because I don't (or didn't) like country. Dude. : )

Yeah, I should already be in bed, but I got caught up in buying some new music with my birthday iTunes gift cards.

Lately things have been really stressful between work and everything else I'm trying to do/keep up with. Haven't felt very creative and I feel scattered all over the place. It's like there's this little voice in my head telling me that whatever book project I'm working on, I should be working on something else because clearly "this," whatever "this" happens to be at that exact second, isn't going to be good enough for anything. I know this is just another form of self-doubt. Most writers (heck, most people) experience this in one way or another. But right now, it is just KILLING me. I love writing. It's my escape, my favorite thing to do even when it's difficult. And it feels like the peace I normally find in doing so is slowly being eaten away by my own stupid worries and fears.

I want to write the stories that speak to me. And yet, I know that to try to be a success as an author, you probably have to be a little more directed. Like not genre-hopping as I'm wont to do. Or, sub-genre hopping, as the case may be. Some kinds of stories may not be popular right now, but if you're desperate to write said story, go for it. But if you do that, you take the chance that what you've written, what you've spent XX months working on, will just hang out in a file on your desk for years or whatever. But I'm so sick of worrying about that, you know? When I started doing this, I thought about things like that, but I didn't let it bother me. Now it seems to haunt me all the time.

I have a project that I started last year or the year before (not a Zara or Rennie story) and I've been working on it pretty regularly for the last year or so...and I'm so bloody sick of it. I just don't want to do it anymore. It's in a way over-crowded subgenre, so selling isn't a likelihood and I'm not enjoying it, so what's the point, right?

I can't stand the idea of all that time being a total waste. Plus, I always promised myself I would finish what I start because that's how self-doubt wins when you're a writer. "Well, this sucks so much I shouldn't even finish it. But the next one will be awesome. Huh, this one sucks too? Well, the next one..." And so on. All books suck in the middle of the writing of them. Or, to put it another way, books ALWAYS sound a lot better and exciting before you actually go about trying to put them on paper.

I've finally got a working synopsis, so I've got a pretty good idea of how it all comes together. But I don't feel like the spark that holds these things together is there. But perhaps I'm just too close to it. My goal was to have three chapters of the revised draft finished as well so I could send it to various sources who've volunteered to read for me. But I'm struggling with that too. I feel like I'm just retreading everything that's already been done by other writers and better than me too. This is not my home "genre" so maybe I just feel self-conscious because of that.

So what do you think? Keep plugging away and get the three chapters done, perhaps by setting an enforceable due date? Or just be merciful and shoot this thing in the head (metaphorically, of course)?