"I'm standing in the middle of the desert, waiting for my ship to come in..."--Sheryl Crow

I've had a revelation today. An epiphany. An apostrophe (I think that's a joke from a movie, but now I can't remember which one. Someone help me out if you know.) And here's how it happened.

Today was yet another sucky day in Corporate America. People that I know and liked lost their jobs. I'm an employee of the nineties, I came to work in the internet boom, so I've never had this happen to me before. At least not to this extent. And today, more than ever, as we met with the survivors of the fallout, it occurred to me so clearly that I just don't belong there. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I still have my job and I can do good work for them. But it's not where my heart is, like seems to be for so many people in that room today, who were really excited about these changes.

That I don't belong in Corporate America is not a new discovery for me, but as usual, whenever it is brought to my attention, I was depressed and feeling trapped. I like what I do and I certainly like the paycheck but it doesn't call to me the way that writing fiction does. And right now, I can't (and I'm not sure I'd like the pressure of doing this) pay all the bills with my fiction writing. This is all old news to those of you who've read this blog before, but stay with me, I'm getting to my revelation : )

So, this afternoon, after everything had calmed down a little, I took the opportunity to tell my manager (who is now not my manager) about The Silver Spoon getting published. I had not said anything to him up to this point because I was afraid that it might somehow negatively impact my job, not by him but by the higher-ups making the decisions. People hear book contract and they think you're spending your evenings stuffing your mattress will all the extra cash you've got laying around. So not true, my friends. I have a very generous contract for a new author, but they don't hand six figure deals out to just everyone. So, because I like and respect my now former manager (he's taught me a lot about writing, even though we had very different perspectives sometimes and that made me crazy at some points), I wanted to tell him.

He was sincerely impressed and happy for me, which meant a great deal. I went on to explain the reasons why I'd kept it quiet from him for so long. And he joked, "well, you don't need this place then, do you?" Meaning Corporate America, of course. I kind of laughed and said, "It's a small press," which I said not because I'd rather have a large press (there are definite upsides to that, but I'm LOVING the experience that I'm having working with people who know and care about my book as much as I do) but because I wanted him to know that I still needed my salary, that I wouldn't be making enough money off my writing right in the beginning to quit, though that is my eventual goal. And he looked right at me and said, "You could be."

Then it was like this heaviness that I'd been carrying around in my heart just lifted. One, because this person that I respect believed in me enough to say that and two, because I realized he was right! All money that authors make is based on sales. Advances are based on sales estimates and royalties are an author's percentage of actual sales. All I have to do is sell a book that I believe in, that I love. That's it. That's all that is standing between me struggling in Corporate America and me having a job I love. It wouldn't happen all at once, but it could happen. It is a possibility--isn't that freaking amazing?!? All I have to do is work for it.

I can't tell you what this has done to give me a new outlook on things. I truly do believe that God speaks to you in all kinds of ways, trying to help you out, as long as you're listening. So, thanks God. Thanks Jack. And thanks to Greg, who looked at me like I was crazy for not realizing this before : )

Woohoo! I feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel and it actually might not be a train!!!

Talk to you tomorrow.